Now that we have the beginning out and you have a little background on how this all started….let us talk about the real start, the raw naked truth of it all! This is not my finest moment nor is it a common occurrence, so do not judge or get the wrong impression of me, okay!?
As I stated, every Tuesday Starfish and I would hang out at a local place and quickly she began “getting to know” the owner, we will call him B. (I used to be closer with B, but when our friendship fizzled I distanced myself from our local hang out, which meant with B as well.). Week after week we would have fun, get crazy, and act like we were 21….it was unhealthy, but a necessary step that helped bring me back to life.
If you have ever been out with two people who are hooking up, well then you know how it feels to be the third wheel. So one night, my friend B asked his friend to come up. This friend by the way….man, was he fucking hot!
Now I didn’t notice him right away. Starfish and I were drinking and having fun with our little group and it wasn’t until the bar started to clear out that I noticed the hot guy at the other end. I also noticed that B was talking to him and his friend. Now wasn’t I just tickled when the hot guys friend left, leaving just the four of us.
Have you ever watched the twilight series? You know the movie where Jacob becomes hot Jacob. You know…the one where he is half-naked the whole movie, who would ever complain about that by the way! This guy, he looked like hot Jacob and I was definitely willing to find out if he turned into an animal!!
Drinks were flowing, introductions were made, and conversations were going strong. Talking to him, he seemed like he would be kind of boring in the long run. He was not adventurous, didn’t like to hike or camp; he claimed that part of his life was over once he hit 30 (boring!). The plus side was that he was a whiskey drinker, we had a whole bottle to ourselves….and I am a sucker for some whiskey.
The next morning I woke up…in my own bed, and had to piece together the night before. I love whiskey, but my tolerance then was not nearly close to my tolerance now. I quickly realized something must have happened because to my surprise, as I was getting undressed I realized my panties were on inside out. I showered, got dressed (with everything on the proper way), and walked my son down the block to school. On my walk of shame to pick up my car from my local hangout I began wracking my brain.
How, how after FIVE YEARS of celibacy did I cave into someone who I didn’t even know. As I walked to my car (it was then I knew why they called it “the walk of shame”!) I began to remember.
The whiskey was flowing, shots were poured, and before I knew it Hot Jacob and myself were the only bodies there. The bartenders were long gone, B and Starfish were off somewhere, and it was just me and Hot Jacob. Like any two intoxicated people who are all alone in a dark bar, we just went for it, making out intensely against the bar. Hot Jacob must have been a romantic, because instead of going back to his place…we went into the bathroom. Yup. That’s right. I said the bathroom…to just tell you the 100% truth and make this a whole lot better, it was the family bathroom -_-
Trying to recall events with whiskey flooding your memory can be a bit tricky. We were both equally wasted, so in the moment we most likely thought that all of this was hot and sexy….in reality, it was a hot ass mess!
Hooking up with someone in a bathroom leaves you limited options if you want to hold onto the small shred of dignity that you have left by not laying on the floor! That leaves you with basically two options. Thinking it was so sexy to get bent over the sink with the mirror right in front of us was great and all….until the automatic faucet soaked my fresh blow out and my elbow kicked on the automatic hand dryer, which by the way is SO scary when you’re wasted!
To make matters better…or worse, I guess it all depends on how you look at it. While I was reminiscing about my scandalous rendezvous, I had an “oh shit” moment. The super Hot Jacob was behind me, and as I had mentioned I was so ready for his animal to be unleashed…only to find myself saying mid pump…”Uummm, is it in yet?”
I mentioned already that I had went five years being celibate right? Celibate….no touching, no flirting, nothing…..and I wasted my first time after basically revirginizing myself on a MICRO PENIS!!!!!!!
A MICRO PENIS!!!
I mean I have heard about those things before, but I thought that they were a myth, something that I would never experience. But of course this would happen to me, I mean does it even count if it barely gets itself in 😂!
….Want to know something else, I can’t even say it was just a one night stand…because I can’t even do a one night stand properly (I am literally the most bass-ackwards person that you will ever meet)! About a month later, we found ourselves at the same place, in the same intoxicated situation. The only difference was that he was at least nice enough to bring me back to his house this time.
Before you go, shaking your head at me…I did have a slight logic behind giving Mr. Micro one more shot. I thought that maybe, just maybe the whiskey had made my brain remember incorrectly. Welp, I wish that my logic was right, but it was wrong and it was micro.
I will say, if one thing came from this…he was a fun experience. Would I go for round three, hell to the no!
Yet, I don’t give up. I keep on chugging along, because this…this is my reality!