Silence Is Not Always Golden!

How many times have I deleted and reinstalled Tinder and Bumble, no for real…I need somebody to keep track. I have such a love/hate relationship with the dating apps. Yes, I have tried many, Christian Mingle (guess what…not everybody is a Christian, that was a curve ball). Match.com (no matter how many times I changed my settings, 50-year-old men still were able to contact me…that’s my dads age by the way).

After about two and a half years of dating sites and dating scenes you develop a numb half hostile half hopeful view on the world of dating. The excitement of “it’s a match” wears off and the thrill of your first message welp, that fades just as fast as the conversation itself does.

Back in 2016 I didn’t have the same knowledge or resentment that I have now. I still had the excitement when I matched with a dude along with the thrill when I received that first message.  I matched with this guy, we shall call him Chuck. I chatted with Chuck for about 2 weeks (one to two weeks is my standard chat time before a first date) and he seemed really nice. He was very cute, and he was respectable…. I thought I was golden!!

You know, it’s funny…our whole lives we are taught about stranger danger. Our parents warn us about the man with the candy or puppy, they worn us about the danger of meeting people online in AOL chat rooms. Here I am, an adult…doing exactly what they said not to do.

I will say, my parents didn’t raise a completely naïve woman. I had Chuck meet me out when I was with my cousin, her boyfriend, and an old friend. We made plans to meet at a restaurant across from my cousin’s house. He didn’t know that we would be hanging out there, you know having a couple drinks to take the edge off my first online date. I sent him the name and address of the restaurant and told him that I was nearby. We made plans to get there around nine, but I told him to just let me know when he was there and then I would meet up with him.

Drinks were flowing and we were all laughing and having a fun time when I noticed that 9:00 P.M. had come and gone with no word from Chuck. I thought that was odd, so I sent him a friendly hey what’s your eta text message. To my surprise Chuck responded that he had been at the restaurant since nine waiting for me.

I was a little shocked and slightly embarrassed, but in my defense, I did tell him to text me when he was there. So, I rally my group and we walk across the street. We find a high top at this cozy Irish establishment and I wait for Chuck to come over. I look around, but I don’t see him and after about ten minutes have passed, I just assume that Chuck has left.

We all just assume that he got annoyed and left and continue to talk when this guy walks up to our table and just stands there. He doesn’t say anything…. he just stands there.

I look at my cousin and then at the random guy and say hello and proceed to ask him if he is Chuck and he says yes. Cool. We are off to a good start here…. not awkward at all!! The waitress comes by and takes our drink order, Chuck has a drink but as I order mine, he makes no offer to put it on his tab. I find it slightly odd that as conversation is happening, Chuck doesn’t make a whole lot of eye contact with me. He speaks to my cousin and friend just fine…. but me not so much.

I thought it was really sweet when he turned to me and said that I was so much prettier than my pictures (if you don’t know me, you should know that I am like the least photogenic person on earth). As sweet as that might have been, it didn’t make up for the fact that he was not communicating with me. I am big on eye contact and conversation, so not having it returned made me feel extremely creeped out.

After about an hour, maybe an hour and a half, my cousin and her boyfriend got in one of their usual fights (thank the lord for this timing). I wasn’t sure how I was going to bail on this whole set up, but I figured I would use my cousins’ emotions to my advantage, sorry girl. She was really upset and crying and stormed out leaving my friend, Chuck, and myself alone. I told Chuck that things were really bad and that I had to leave, I extended my hand for a hand shake…. yes, I said a hand shake…. I also said my creep-o-meter was going off. He shook my hand and I said it was nice meeting him but that I had to go.

Now. Normally when somebody does that, it’s an indication to start walking away. Nope. Not Chuck. He stood there, staring at me…. little did he know that the whole eye contact thing was a little too late. Now, sometimes when I am put in an awkward situation, I just start to look for an escape plan, I get really short with my words, and I definitely put a wall up.

If you think things couldn’t get weirder…. you’re wrong. Standing at the door I was not sure how to make it clearer that he should go now, I really didn’t want him watching me walk right across the street to my cousin’s house, so I said, “Okay well this was fun, bye now.” ….and then I high fived him. Yup, I high fived him!! He asked where I parked so that he could walk me to my car, but like I said, my mama didn’t raise no fool and I answered with, “which way did you park”. He pointed south so I said I was parked East and my friend and myself walked away.

My cousins house, if you were wondering, is south. But there are apartment buildings to the east. So, because Chuck creeped me out so much, I found an open door to an apartment building, and my friend and myself hid in there for about ten minutes. When we thought it would be clear, we walked back over and to my cousin’s house.

Now, hiding in an apartment building waiting for a dude to leave your area may seem a little extreme. But here is the thing. This was my first online date, EVER!! Also, I operate heavily on my intuition and amazing ability to read a person. No part of me was comfortable with this guy and I trust my instincts 100%.

Chuck and I did not talk after that.

My cousin and her boyfriend broke up because that night she found out he had been cheating on her.

My “old friend” was my cousins now ex-girlfriend who was a little cray cray, but I tolerated her because she was dating my cousin.

I continue to trust my intuition and to make my safety a top priority in this crazy dating world, but I don’t give up, I keep on keepin on because hey what can I say, this is my reality.

A glimpse into my 2%

I want to talk about being single. Yeah, you know that “Table for one” and that “No, I’m not meeting anyone, it’s just me”.

I’m going to start with this, if you don’t like what I have to say, simply fuck off and keep on scrolling. Yeah, that’s right, you read that correctly.

I’m not looking for sympathy, or mean/petty comments. I’m being raw af right now….and I simply don’t want to hear negative bs from anyone.

I have hit a point, it’s a different kind of point that I’ve ever hit before. Since writing is therapy for me, here we go.

Being single has its ups and downs, just like a relationship does. Some times I love it and sometimes I fucking hate it.

When I love it, not much can get me down. I enjoy my freedom, I enjoy hobbies and passions, did I already say that I enjoy my freedom! I laugh when people in relationships say things like, “Oh, you’re so lucky you’re single.” But sometimes it’s not all its cracked up to be.

When I don’t love it, things suck. Its frustrating. Dating sucks. Like it fucking sucks! Shoot, sometimes people really suck. From getting ghosted, to being asked to sext before you even go on a first date, to guys looking at you like “you’re built for sex”, to being passed up bc someone is “even more amazing than you are”.

Yeah all of that has happened and SO much worse. And let me tell you, when I’m bummed about being single, and I think this goes for a lot of single people. The last thing we want is for people that ARE IN relationships to tell us that we are lucky for being single.

Yeah I know what I said above, when we are happy about being single we don’t care, when we are unhappy about being single…it’s like salt in a wound.

You may have issues sometimes with your marriage or relationship, but at least you’re not alone. At least you have somebody, and you don’t have to worry about growing old alone.

No, I don’t want to hear, “well you have Joseph.”

I do not want to hear that. Do not ever say that to a single parent. It’s stupid, those words are stupid! First of all, Joseph will grow up and start a family of his own one day….and I will be alone. Second, I want a man who will love me unconditionally and hold me when I need to be held.
…..it’s a little creepy to expect that from my 7 year old child. So yes, those words, that more often than not come out of the mouths of people in relationships, those words are stupid. Don’t say them.

I also am tired of the cliches. Yeah, those are stupid too. Single people LOATHE them! Who the heck wants to hear, “when you stop looking you’ll find them.” …..you can not find something if you’re not looking for it. “It’ll happen when you least expect it.” …..I’m single, dating is horrendous, I honestly never expect it anymore. “You should be more, positive.” …have you met me, 98% of the time I am positive, yeah right now you get to see my 2%, congrats. But until you’ve been on the dates or put through what I have been put through….well you really don’t get to say ANY of that stuff to me.

So, people in relationships. Stop. Stop trying to comfort us single people with cliches and telling us how lucky we are when you get to not worry about growing old alone or ever have to worry about finding your other half.

Please, dont take pity on us, we go through our slumps and can do that for ourselves.

I have hit a new low in this messed up single/dating life of mine. I have deleted all of my dating profiles and uninstalled the apps. It’s not that I have given up, I wouldn’t say that I have given up. Anybody who knows me, knows that I am in capable of giving up on things (it is a gift and a curse). I am simply a shell right now. Certain friends and certain people have literally sucked me dry of my essence. I need to self heal. I need to not be around people who take from me without giving me what I deserve. I need to not be around people who take me for granted. I need to not be around people who want my love but give no love in return.

Seeing as how that’s 99% of the relationships I come across. I’m just done. So thank you to those people, and the universe for sending me those people, but I’m done. I feel like an empty shell left on the shore with the waves crashing down on me, reminding me that I’m hollow inside.

Again. I don’t want any negative comments, I sure as hell do not want any cliches, and I don’t want any sadness. This is just a glimpse into the dark side of being single, it is a glimpse into my 2%.

A Micro Start.

Now that we have the beginning out and you have a little background on how this all started….let us talk about the real start, the raw naked truth of it all! This is not my finest moment nor is it a common occurrence, so do not judge or get the wrong impression of me, okay!?

As I stated, every Tuesday Starfish and I would hang out at a local place and quickly she began “getting to know” the owner, we will call him B. (I used to be closer with B, but when our friendship fizzled I distanced myself from our local hang out, which meant with B as well.). Week after week we would have fun, get crazy, and act like we were 21….it was unhealthy, but a necessary step that helped bring me back to life.

If you have ever been out with two people who are hooking up, well then you know how it feels to be the third wheel. So one night, my friend B asked his friend to come up. This friend by the way….man, was he fucking hot!

Now I didn’t notice him right away. Starfish and I were drinking and having fun with our little group and it wasn’t until the bar started to clear out that I noticed the hot guy at the other end. I also noticed that B was talking to him and his friend. Now wasn’t I just tickled when the hot guys friend left, leaving just the four of us.

Have you ever watched the twilight series? You know the movie where Jacob becomes hot Jacob. You know…the one where he is half-naked the whole movie, who would ever complain about that by the way! This guy, he looked like hot Jacob and I was definitely willing to find out if he turned into an animal!!

Drinks were flowing, introductions were made, and conversations were going strong. Talking to him, he seemed like he would be kind of boring in the long run. He was not adventurous, didn’t like to hike or camp; he claimed that part of his life was over once he hit 30 (boring!). The plus side was that he was a whiskey drinker, we had a whole bottle to ourselves….and I am a sucker for some whiskey.

The next morning I woke up…in my own bed, and had to piece together the night before. I love whiskey, but my tolerance then was not nearly close to my tolerance now. I quickly realized something must have happened because to my surprise, as I was getting undressed I realized my panties were on inside out. I showered, got dressed (with everything on the proper way), and walked my son down the block to school. On my walk of shame to pick up my car from my local hangout I began wracking my brain.

How, how after FIVE YEARS of celibacy did I cave into someone who I didn’t even know. As I walked to my car (it was then I knew why they called it “the walk of shame”!) I began to remember.

The whiskey was flowing, shots were poured, and before I knew it Hot Jacob and myself were the only bodies there. The bartenders were long gone, B and Starfish were off somewhere, and it was just me and Hot Jacob. Like any two intoxicated people who are all alone in a dark bar, we just went for it, making out intensely against the bar. Hot Jacob must have been a romantic, because instead of going back to his place…we went into the bathroom. Yup. That’s right. I said the bathroom…to just tell you the 100% truth and make this a whole lot better, it was the family bathroom -_-

Trying to recall events with whiskey flooding your memory can be a bit tricky. We were both equally wasted, so in the moment we most likely thought that all of this was hot and sexy….in reality, it was a hot ass mess!

Hooking up with someone in a bathroom leaves you limited options if you want to hold onto the small shred of dignity that you have left by not laying on the floor! That leaves you with basically two options. Thinking it was so sexy to get bent over the sink with the mirror right in front of us was great and all….until the automatic faucet soaked my fresh blow out and my elbow kicked on the automatic hand dryer, which by the way is SO scary when you’re wasted!

To make matters better…or worse, I guess it all depends on how you look at it. While I was reminiscing about my scandalous rendezvous, I had an “oh shit” moment. The super Hot Jacob was behind me, and as I had mentioned I was so ready for his animal to be unleashed…only to find myself saying mid pump…”Uummm, is it in yet?”

I mentioned already that I had went five years being celibate right? Celibate….no touching, no flirting, nothing…..and I wasted my first time after basically revirginizing myself on a MICRO PENIS!!!!!!!

A MICRO PENIS!!!

I mean I have heard about those things before, but I thought that they were a myth, something that I would never experience. But of course this would happen to me, I mean does it even count if it barely gets itself in 😂!

….Want to know something else, I can’t even say it was just a one night stand…because I can’t even do a one night stand properly (I am literally the most bass-ackwards person that you will ever meet)! About a month later, we found ourselves at the same place, in the same intoxicated situation. The only difference was that he was at least nice enough to bring me back to his house this time.

Before you go, shaking your head at me…I did have a slight logic behind giving Mr. Micro one more shot. I thought that maybe, just maybe the whiskey had made my brain remember incorrectly. Welp, I wish that my logic was right, but it was wrong and it was micro.

I will say, if one thing came from this…he was a fun experience. Would I go for round three, hell to the no!

Yet, I don’t give up. I keep on chugging along, because this…this is my reality!

 

The Beginning!

I suppose like any good story, I should start from the beginning. I was not always courageous enough to put myself out onto the dating scene. I was actually celibate for five years. Yes, you read that correct…..FIVE YEARS!! No dating, No sex, No nothing!!

I had my son in 2011. From 2011 until 2016 I took time to learn how to be a single mom at 24 years young and how to balance being a mom while still handling life. I went back to school when my son was one and graduated with my Cosmetology licence in a year. After I graduated I moved on to work in a Chicago based Salon & Day Spa and I have been there ever since.

I firmly believe that everybody you meet in your life you meet for a reason. Well, while I was in Cosmetology school I met this girl, we will call her Starfish. Even though Starfish and myself are no longer in touch, she deserves a thorough shout out in this blog.

In 2016 I met this guy called the Young One, and Starfish was my wing woman. I was so afraid, It had been HALF OF A DECADE!!!! Yes, I know saying it like that is so dramatic. Five years of not dating and being celibate deserves a little drama. It also leaves you scared to bits about “putting yourself out there”. Starfish was there for me though, she went with me for drinks with him and his friend and eased my awkwardness.

Things with the young one ended…of course. He started seeing this other chick, apparently he was talking to both of us at the same time. In the end, he thought he would be a gentleman and end things by bringing her to the bar he knew I went to every Tuesday (um, don’t judge me…Tuesdays were my Fridays and I closed at the salon, so a beer after a long week is so very necessary!). After he ignored me the whole night while cuddling up with the other, it’s safe to say it was over before it ever really began.

Starfish and I continued to have our Tuesday night outings and we had a blast! She was exactly what I needed to bring me back to my social life. She helped me realize that it was okay for me to live life again.

Even though we do not hang out anymore, I hope that she knows how thankful I am that she helped me at such a transitional point in my life. She taught me how to have fun again. She reminded me how to be sexy again, how to let loose and be free.

It’s natural for people to evolve and grow apart, and as for my relationship with Starfish…we did just that. However, we were left with more good times than bad and many fun, wild, and fond memories.

Even though we are living different lives now, I think about her often and I truly wish that she is doing the best in her life. I wish and hope that she has realized how beautiful she is, inside and out. She has so much to offer not only herself but to another person. I hope that she never settles, because she is above doing such a thing. I hope that she finds somebody that loves her truly and deeply and will always treat her with the love and respect that she should be treated with. I wish and hope that she has realized how talented she is and is heading on a path in life that brings her nothing but the absolute best. She will always hold a special part within me, and I thank her for her friendship, it meant a lot to me. I apologize for the rift at the end, I did not handle myself the way I would have now. Both we were both going down a destructive path of friendship and it was healthy for both of us to distance ourselves.

I always felt like she deserved an explanation, I still feel like she does. I recently reached out to her so that I could have my closure and tell her how much it meant, her being a part of my journey. Upon reaching out to her, I found out that the distancing was quite mutual, but still I need my closure.

Closure is something that I crave. I have thought about writing her a letter or telling her how much she meant to me in that part of my life, I guess now is the time that I get to do that. After all, if this blog is going to be about my relationships and bad dates, I should start with the one who revived my dating life! Starfish brought me out of my shell that I had hidden myself in, and because of Starfish….I have had quite the journey!

Now that I am done being a slacker, I am actually going to get back to my blog  and tell my stories about these adventurous journeys!

 

Wherever you are Starfish,

I wish you the absolute best in life, love, and fortune… Cheers :*

 

 

welcome to my reality!

We have all been there at some point in our life, you know the one, the dreaded dating scene. Being 30 and single in the year 2018 is what I now consider an ongoing adventure. I never know what I am in for when I come across a “potential”.  It seems all the good ones are of course in committed relationships, married, gay, or nonexistent. After being single for six years, I decided last year that it was “time to get out there” so now, year seven, still single, I have discovered that I am a complete magnet for horrendous dates. My cheer up ritual after a bad date is a Bridget Jones Movie marathon along with delivered pizza or Chinese food. I figure if Bridget Jones can go through all of that and end up with a happy ending…. well then there is hope for me too!

At first, I thought that I had hit my breaking point with this last date, I thought that I was just going to give up and throw in the towel… but I know myself better than that! I always bounce back, stronger and more resilient than ever!

I was at work, walked in like the hot mess I felt like, and cried when I saw my best friend. In good best friend fashion, she told me to stop or she was going to punch me in the face! We have rules about crying over boys. But I wasn’t crying over a boy, I was crying over the fact that every date I go on ends in such a tragic manner.

Now at this point the four coworkers (ones I actually like) that were hanging out in our back room are looking at me asking what had happened. I proceeded to tell them, and they proceeded to cheer me up.

We then reminisced on my tragic year of dating, laughing at all my past experiences. One coworker even joked that I should keep a blog of bad dates seeing as how I have so many. We all laughed, but within the next hour this blog was born.

I do feel, in a small way, that I have hit my dating rock bottom. Instead of giving up I will provide others with the entertainment that is repeatedly my reality. I have heard all the clichés about when you’re not looking, and when you least expect it, and you know, they all come from people who don’t have to date in the year 2018. A time when you can use dating apps to skip the bar scene and go straight to sexting and hookups without having to buy all the drinks and enduring the walk of shame the next morning.

One of my favorite things to hear (from the same people who provide me with the clichés, if you were wondering) is “I don’t know how you do it” and “I could never date now a days” in which I just laugh a fake little laugh and say, “Oh yeah, it’s something!”. I mean what do I even respond to that, this is my reality. So instead of getting offended or sad or upset, I will take these experiences of mine, share them with you, and you can either appreciate your own relationship a little more or if you’re single have a good laugh at these bullets you have dodged!

Enjoy The Bad Date Chronicles!

A.K.A.-

my reality